Punishing Percy

No Touching

According to loopy pastor Mark Driscoll, masturbation by men* is a homosexual act. (What, even when leering at a well-thumbed mucky girlie mag?) However, Mad Mark says it’s not a touch of lavender if there’s a woman in the room (even if she’s minding her own business and busy knitting in the corner, presumably). Mr Driscoll looks the very image of a modern Millie and I rather admire the precision of his immaculately pressed collar.

As I was reading his wacky words, memories of my misspent youth came flooding back. The teacher that taught RE (or Divinity as we called the subject at my traditional grammar school) told us emphatically that masturbation made you go blind. You can imagine the reaction from the post-pubescent boys. It nearly caused a mini riot. Despite the disbelieving groans from the self-abusing spotty adolescents, he was utterly unbending in his belief and warned us of the dire consequences of a quick furtive fumble under the sheets. If my fast fading memory serves me right, it was the only sex education I received at school. Mind you, since my glasses resemble jam jar bottoms, he may well have had a point.

* Mad Mark doesn’t seem to have anything to say about female masturbation. Presumably he thinks women are just non-sexual receptacles for male lust and so wouldn’t do that sort of thing. I’m thinking of popping a Sex in the City DVD in the post to enlighten him.

You might also like to read:

The End is Nigh

Hell and Damnation

4 thoughts on “Punishing Percy

  1. My first reaction was ‘Jesus wept’, and of course he would have if he’d thought that anything he’d said or done would have encouraged this kind of lunatic. My second thought was beware any bible wielding nutcase with strong opinions on sexual ‘deviancy’. In my experience they usually have a little too much personal expertise in their chosen field.


  2. Oh dear…poor chap is in need of some therapy I think.

    We had absolutely no sex education at school…makes you wonder how we survived. Trial and error was the only way we learned anything.


  3. Well, his shirt collar might look good, but he’s definitely lacking in the brain department! I also heard that about going blind when I was young, but blissfully ignored it as not applying to girls! Funny how masturbation is always seen as a “male thing.” Funny and stupid. And if it’s a homosexual act, then basically every man in the world must be gay (probably including himself). And woman!!


Share your thoughts

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.