The Cream of the Crop 2012

It’s the turn of a new year, a time to reflect on the recent past. And what a hectic time it’s been for these old two old drunken reprobates. Four years ago, we jumped the good ship Blighty and swam ashore to paradise in search of a dotty dotage of gin and tranquility We found a paradise of sorts and so much more besides. Three years into our choppy voyage, I found a little fame and notoriety, and a new course was set – as an accidental author. 2012 brought change: a rudder slammed into reverse and a return to our damp little island perched on the edge of Europe. So, in the best tradition of the year’s end, I give you the most popular Pansy posts of 2012.

1. Now That’s What I call Old

Who would have guessed that a lazy, throwaway post about the 12,000 year old ruins at Göbekli Tepe in Eastern Turkey would hit the top spot? Although it was published in 2011, like Meatloaf’s Bat Out of Hell*, it never left the charts. In fact, it’s my most popular piece ever, racking up 7,500 hits to date.

2. Expat Glossary

Another perennial favourite. Technically, it’s a page not a post nowadays (though it started off as a post many moons ago). Oft quoted and copied, it’s a tongue in cheek attempt to classify the vintage villagers of expatland. It continues to strike a chord.

3. Goodbye to the Turkish Living Forum

The closest I came to an unseemly slanging match – I queered my pitch with the Turkish Living Forum (or, more accurately, they queered their pitch with me). I stopped the vile conversation in mid-sentence. I can do that. It’s my blog. It gladdens my little homo heart that this post continues to attract punters. If I’ve put just one potential member off the bigoted posts, then my work is done. It’s a shame. Most contributors to the forum seem sane and reasonable. It’s a good idea ruined by the vicious and vocal few.

4. Britain’s Got Loads of Talent

I’m a sucker for a sob story and Britain’s Got Talent is stuffed to the rafters with them. A genuine attempt to discover the best (and worst) amateur talent that Blighty has to offer, or a cynical commercial exercise in crass over-sentimentality? Probably both and so what? This year a dog won. No, a real dog, not an ugly person.

5. No Going Back on Going Back

A slip of the wrist and the cat was out of the bag. A premature posting meant that I announced our repatriation much earlier than I had intended and readers tuned in to read the news.

6. Zenne Dancer

A post about a ground-breaking and award-drenched Turkish film, inspired by the true story of a Kurdish student who was gunned down by his own father for being openly and unrepentantly gay. It still hasn’t been released with subtitles so I’m ashamed to say I still haven’t seen it.

7. Fifty Shades of Gay

I wrote this post to celebrate and support the launch of Rainbowbookreviews, a brand new LGBT book review website. As part of the party, Perking the Pansies, Jack and Liam move to Turkey was offered as a competition prize. What some people will do for a freebie.

8. The Friendly Games

This was my naughty but nice take on the closing ceremony of the London 2012 Olympics. The BBC did a grand job in televising the once-in-a-lifetime event – online, on radio and on TV. Liam had all three on simultaneously. For a brief period, the nation forgot its woes and smiled again. The mother lode of precious metal helped.

9. Bodrum’s Crusader Castle

Towards the end of our time in Turkey, I thought it was high time to give the pansy treatment to the grand centrepiece of the Bodrum townscape – a little bit of history (not too much) and a little bit of humour. It’s a popular cocktail.

10. Gran Canaria, Sex Emporium

Our first ‘proper’ holiday for four years and we chose Gran Canaria, that rocky mid-Atlantic brothel. You can take the boy out of the back room but you can’t take the back room out of the boy.

I leave you with my favourite image from 2012. I know, it’s all a bit predictable but I’m turning into a dirty old man and I intend to wallow in it. Happy New Year everyone and thank you for enduring my camp old nonsense for yet another year.

*Bat Out of Hell stayed on the UK album chart for 474 weeks. God knows why.

Talking Raw Turkey on the Radio

The fabulous people at Norwich’s Future Radio asked me to pop in and talk about Turkey, the Raw Guide on the Pride Live programme. I’m becoming quite a regular on the show and they very generously allow me to shamelessly plug my work.

Norwich, City of Literature

Norwich is the heart of arty-farty judging by the colourful assortment of scholarly fashionistas mingling around the College of Art. Norwich is also a treasure trove of wordy worthiness that rather puts my own inconsequential ramblings in the shade. The rich and centuries-old tradition of proper writing was recognised this year when UNESCO awarded Norwich City of Literature status. My inadequacies were further confirmed when I discovered that our downstairs neighbour is a serious novelist of award-winning, global stature. Her name is Anjali Joseph and, as we chatted about the darkened skies and wheelie bins, she modestly revealed that she’d written a book or two. I did a bit of Googling. It didn’t take long. Anjali is all over the wonderweb. A book or two? Crikey, this pretty young thing has written two internationally acclaimed novels published by HarperCollins, is working on her PhD in Creative Writing during her coffee breaks and is stalked by the national press. I might as well just slash my wrists and be done with it.

Going Once, Going Twice…

Earlier today I suffered from a premature slip of the wrist and mucked up the publication of Going Once, Going Twice. So, I’m re-blogging the post. Please ignore this if you’ve already seen it. Apologies from knackered of Norwich.

Perking the Pansies

The National League of POW/MIA Families is an American organisation incorporated in 1970 to obtain the release of all prisoners, establish the fullest possible account for the missing and secure the repatriation of all recoverable remains of those who died during the Vietnam War. Each year there is a fundraising event in Washington DC. I was recently contacted by a member of the League asking if I would donate a signed copy of Perking the Pansies to be auctioned off to help raise some cash. I have to admit that I was surprised and not a little intrigued. How did a book about a couple of old homos living in a faraway Muslim land (and written in a peculiarly British carry-on style) come to the attention of a Yankee society with serious business on its mind? I was told that someone specifically requested it. Good enough for me I thought…

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Going Once, Going Twice…

Turkey, the Raw Guide – Out Now!

After months of blood, sweat and tears, a lot of ripe Old English and a few hard boiled debates, the first episode of the Best of Perking the Pansies, the Turkey Years is finally off the blocks. So here comes the hard sell:

Have you ever wondered what it’s really like to pitch your tent in a foreign field, particularly a Muslim one? Guidebooks and travelogues only go so far. To get a real feel, you need to ask someone who’s been there, done that and bought all the fake t-shirts. When Jack Scott and his Civil Partner, Liam, moved to Turkey nothing could prepare them for what was to come – heatstroke, frostbite, biblical floods, Byzantine red tape, lazy censorship, blackouts, bugs from Hell, rancid drains, lunatic drivers, dirty politics, spring-loaded waiters, jaw-dropping sunsets, kindness, generosity and acceptance. They stumbled upon what Jack infamously described as the mad, the bad, the sad and the glad. Jack decided to write it all down in a blog for all the world to ignore. He called it Perking the Pansies. Against the odds and quite by surprise, Perking the Pansies grew into the most successful blog of its kind in Turkey, attracting a loyal following, the attention of the Turkish national press and hatched an award-winning Amazon number one best-selling book.

Now that Jack and Liam’s sweeping Anatolian adventures are behind them, Jack is publishing the best of the blog as a two volume e-book. The uncensored director’s cut includes previously unpublished material and some solid home-spun practical advice about living the dream. Visas, tax, banking, working, customs, healthcare, schools for the ankle biters – all the boring stuff is in there. Jack likes to be functional as well as decorative.

Buy a Kindle edition from Amazon.co.uk, Amazon.com and from all other Amazon stores worldwide. Alternatively, buy an e-Pub version from me directly and I get to keep all the dosh. The e-Pub format can be read on most non-Kindle readers (Nook, Kobo, Sony, Apple). The e-books are priced at just £2.99 and $3.99 – cheaper than a pint of cooking lager in Soho (or about 0.00005 pence per word). A bargain.

I’m still working on the second episode – Turkey, Surviving the Expats. Watch this space. For more information and to read a short extract, please check my author website: jackscott.info

The Next Big Thing

I’ve never been a big reader. It’s amazing I managed to pick up the writing thing at all. But these days, I get asked to review quite a few books and I’m rather surprised by how much I’m enjoying the experience. My current read is ‘Sleeping People Lie,’ by Jae de Wylde. It’s a love story with an iron grip and bitter-chocolate taste. I’m a little bit addicted. The fragrant Jae dropped me a line to ask me if I’d like to participate in The Next Big Thing, a blog hop in the best tradition of ‘you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.’ I’m a sucker for these things. Before passing the baton onto me and four others, Jae wrote her own take on the title which you can read here.

Jack’s Next Big Thing

What is the working title of your book?

I’m currently compiling the best bits from Perking the Pansies, the Turkey years, into an uncensored two volume e-book coming to a Kindle near you very soon. The first volume is called Turkey, the Raw Guide and the second is called Turkey, Surviving the Expats. Taken together, the boxed set will be a spruced up director’s cut of our time in a Muslim land with added bite, previously unreleased material and additional features.

Where did the idea come from for the book?

When I read back through the blog, I was amazed about how much I’d written. Most of it was never included in my debut book (and, being different animals entirely, much of book was never included in the blog). The trouble with most blog posts is that once they’re read they’re dead. I thought bringing it all together would be a satisfying way to draw a line under our Anatolian Adventure and now I’m back in Blighty, I can be a little more honest.

What is the genre?

The mini-series is an easy-to-digest guide to Turkey with a tasty hard centre of memoir.

Which actors would you choose to play your characters in a movie rendition?

Believe me, this has been the cause of much drunken speculation among the Bodrum Belles and Gumbet Gals. Liam is rather taken with the idea of Jude Law playing him. Now that poor Jude is losing his hair, the cap really fits. As for me, well it has been cruelly suggested that Danny DeVito would be ideal in the part of Jack, the rotund, drunken short-arse. If he wasn’t so creepy, I’d probably go for Tom Cruise. He’s about the right height.

What is the one-sentence synopsis of your book?

Have you ever wondered what it’s really like to live in a foreign field, particularly a Muslim one? To get a real feel, you need to ask someone who’s been there, done that and bought all the fake t-shirts. (Okay this is two sentences. So shoot me.)

Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency?

It’s virtually impossible to get agent representation. Trying to get one is a bruising and expensive business, best avoided by the thin-skinned. I’m self-publishing the e-books through Kindle and pricing them competitively to see how they fly. My first book was published through Summertime Publishing and they’ve agreed to publish the sequel which should be out in early 2013. The e-books are something that lie in between, a kind of bridge between the two.

How long did it take you to write the first draft of your manuscript?

It’s taken us (Liam is my whip-cracking editor) about two months so far to revise the flabby grammar, edit the material down into a believable whole and decide what tasty extras to include.

What other books would you compare this story to within your genre?

A difficult one. I’d say Perking the Pansies has the feel of Bridget Jones with a pink twist and an injection of pathos.

What else about your book might pique the reader’s interest?

I’m hoping the unreleased material and some solid old-fashioned advice about the reality of living in Turkey will grab the imagination. I’d like to be functional as well as decorative.

Now it’s time for me to pass on the poisoned chalice. In no particular order (as they say on Strictly Come Dancing), let’s hear it from …

David Gee, author of Shaikh-Down – a delicious, randy romp through the myopic and bawdy world of Gulf expatriate life set against the chilling winds of change.

Deborah Fletcher, author of Bitten by Spain – a very funny, beautifully descriptive and endearingly frank account of building the dream in Murcia.

Jo Parfitt, multi-tasker extraordinaire and author of Sunshine Soup – a hugely enjoyable tale of loss, intrigue and redemption.

Maggie Myklebust, author of Fly Away Home – a heartfelt book written with searing honesty that covers the push-pull effect of growing up in two cultures.

Laura J Stephens, author of An Inconvenient Posting – an agonisingly candid and raw account of loss and transition.

No pressure.

East Anglian Writers

I’ve just been accepted into the august fold of East Anglian Writers so I guess that makes me a proper author. Cor blimey!

Forced to Fly

Many years ago, I had a family of blue tits nesting in a bird box nailed to the back wall of my inner city garden. It was a one egg family. For weeks, I watched chick tit spend its formative days with its tiny beak permanently poking out of the little round hole as Mummy tit and Daddy tit embarked on a never-ending feeding frenzy of tit bits. Eventually, chick tit grew into a fattened teenage tit. I was lucky enough to be working at home on the day it got its wings and I watched the launch from the window of my back bedroom. The doting parents took up position on opposite fences, tweeting melodiously to lure their offspring from the warm comfort of the nest. Now and again, they would show off with a cocky cabaret of aerial acrobatics. Teenage tit tentatively balanced its body on the ledge of the box to watch the flypast, nervously flapping its wings and preening its new-season plumage. After an agonising wait – which had me with my nose pressed hard up against the pane – teenage tit took the plunge, firing itself into the air like a rogue missile. I swear that its eyes must have been firmly shut; it shot straight towards me and slammed into the window like a bullet, just inches from my face. I got quite a start. Unfazed by its unguided maiden flight, teenage tit flew off into sky, never to be seen again.

You may wonder why I mention this tit chick flick, tender and delightful though it is. Well, we’re all forced to fly at some time in our lives, none more so than the courageous souls who migrate to greener pastures. Some stay the course and some don’t, but all have a tale to tell. Those who have tried know that it’s not all wine and song. The best of us brave the blunders with humour and insight. Ladies and Gentleman, I give you Forced to Fly, a delicious compilation of wit and wisdom from those in the know. And, I’m not just saying that because I’m in it. As writer and editor-in-chief, Jo Parfitt, says:

“Everyone knows that laughter is the best medicine, but Forced to Fly is more than a collection of funny stories about seeing the funny side of the day-to-day blunders we all make. It is packed with stories that resonate with anyone who has lived abroad. Its opening chapters, written by experts, counsellors and real-life expats who have struggled with culture shock, will provide support and advice to guide you through any dark patches.”

You can pick up your copy at Amazon.co.uk or Amazon.com. While you’re thinking about it, why not take a look at the book trailer?

A Queer Business

Book reviewing is a queer business. Amateur reviewers, often anonymous and sometimes with an axe to grind or with lofty literary pretensions, can damn with faint praise or go nuclear with their toxic pen. Naturally, no book appeals to everyone. Bad reviews are an occupational hazard. Even the top of the heap gets mixed critiques. Someone once wrote that Captain Corelli’s Mandolin was “…the worst book I’ve ever read.” It might not be everyone’s cup of tea but the worst book ever? Hardly. Clearly, the reviewer wasn’t that well read. Was Louis de Bernières bothered? Not with a cheque for the film rights in his back pocket, he wasn’t. The best anyone can do is rise above the din, turn the other cheek and keep their own counsel. It doesn’t do to spit back even when sorely provoked. I’ve got off lightly. On the whole, reviews for Perking the Pansies have been excellent, and not just from my nearest and dearest whom I emotionally blackmailed. Shadowy rogue reviewers? It reminds me why dogs lick themselves – because they can.

Perking the Pansies

Jack Scott's random ramblings

Category: Books