Smart-Arse Smart Phone

I’ve invested in smart phone from Virgin. Well I say invested, it came free with a 24 month contract. My trusty old Nokia just doesn’t cut the Colman’s mustard anymore. Nor is it the right image for an infamous author and fading community radio star. Besides, my pay-as-you-go tariff was crippling me and this one comes with free this, free that. You see, it’s a smart-arse Samsung smarty pants touch screen Star Trek contraption and it’s so much smarter than me. My stumpy little fingers can’t quite manage the micro-keyboard and the bloody thing insists on wolf-whistling at me. I have no idea why. It’s been twenty years since that last happened. I tell you, it’s enough to turn an ex-pretty boy’s head. And if I don’t feed it daily, it just conks out. My old low IQ phone may be dim-witted but at least it  goes on for weeks without draining the national grid. Beam me up Scotty and show me how it works. Where’s my 10 year old nephew when I need him?

18 thoughts on “Smart-Arse Smart Phone

  1. How very bizarre! My hubby has just presented me with a Samsung Note, so that I can be tracked and pinpointed, hassled and heckled twenty-five hours a day.
    So far I’ve managed the torch function. 🙂


  2. I’ve recently got a Samsung S for Something too and it’s great that I can send photos directly to my blog BUT in the sunshine – i.e. outside, I can see Sweet FA on the screen so I don’t know whether I ‘m taking a photo or tuning into The Today program.


  3. Debs, throw the blasted thing away, the torch function isn’t worth the hassle. I’ve seen Jack wrestle with the phone’s functionality and believe me, life is too short. Okay, it’s rather impressive watching him scroll through his pics like a scene from a futuristic movie, but really…

    Back to Bodrum – I know you, and in my opinion you’re more of a ‘Today’ gal than a modern techo stuff woman. Let’s both stick with the marvelous and magical wireless, the Light Program and valves. We both have standards to uphold. x


  4. I leave my Samsung at home alone…….I can’t see the screen in the Turkish sunshine, I can’t text without the use of a pen because it doesn’t react to my dainty touch, when I answer a call it cuts me off , the camera mode goes to video every time I try to take a picture…oh shall I go on?! Bring back my old and trusty Nokia!


  5. I have just down-graded to a phone with extra large keypad, that tells you what numbers you are pressing in a tinny robotic voice, doesn’t do internet or pics, or games or fancy noises, but i can actually answer the b***** and can make a call. it also has a torch which I think is the best feature. As i am on Virgin I also get a gazillion free texts which I don’t use, and as I like to call friends when my fingers and curled around a cold wine and my body curled around a cosy couch, cost about £10 every other month. My teenager rolls her eyes and walks away from me whenever I pull it out.. xx


  6. Great to see you join the smart phone revolution, Jack. About bloody time! And you’re only as old as the man you feel so that makes you fairly youthful, right? You’ll love the Smart-Arse once you get going with it. Just don’t place it too close to your head as they tend to be fairly radioactive so I’m told.


  7. I love my smartphone for two things – the camera function and the photo editing function – totally addicted. The rest is bollocks as the reception on my phone is horrific. I have just, btw, banned them in my classes, as my students would rather smartphonify than attend to my ravishingly interesting statistics lectures…sigh.


  8. I had to use the torch function on mine the other day when in a meeting in a Whitehall basement during a power cut! Beyond that, and the normal phone things, I have no idea what most of it does. Some the apps are so esoteric that whilst they might actually come in handy you never think to use them half the time as you simply don’t think e.g. “I’ll scan that barcode with my phone and see if this product is cheaper at another shop within a one mile radius”! Or I don’t at any rate. I wouldn’t think of asking my toaster the time of the next train to Milton Keynes, why on earth should I ask my telephone?


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