Jack the Hobbling Goblin

I’ve had an MOT at a local private hospital five minutes walk from the house. I thought it would be wise before re-entering the well-meaning but labyrinthine world of the National Health Service when we return to Blighty in a few weeks. It was prompted by a sudden and unexpected rise in my blood pressure. I used to be troubled by hypertension before our exodus but after entering Turkish airspace my blood pressure reverted to normal levels and stubbornly stayed there despite my lifestyle addictions.

Recently though, the bloody thing has been on the rise again and I’ve developed some difficulty walking anything more than a short hop. Hills in heels are a nightmare I can tell you. Like most men, I ignored it – until Liam nagged me into submission. After a determined and relentless campaign of drip-drip harrying, I conceded and made an appointment. I can report that the experience was easy, fast and efficient. A wonderful northern lass employed to guide witless foreigners ferried me around the system and smoothed the waters with tact and smiles.

The outcome? The good news is that my ticker (and wait for it) liver and lungs are all in fine form. I nearly fell off the back of my chair when the nice cardiologist told me that. The bad news? My cholesterol levels are through the roof, my blood pressure is way too high and I have developed Periodic Limb Movement Disorder. I’ve been called disordered many times before but not because of my limbs. Essentially, my brand new condition causes my calf muscles to spasm involuntary when I sleep and it’s the nocturnal workout that causes the pain when I mince about town. After the diagnosis, Liam stayed awake for nights on end to check what was going on. Apparently, my calves throb so regularly, you could run a clock with ’em. And there was me thinking I was just kicking him out of bed to make my morning cuppa or rehearsing for a spot on Riverdance.

I’ve always wondered why I have the legs of a Premier League footballer and the belly of an armchair fan. Now I know. The cardiologist put me on drugs to control the rhythmic twitching. Liam put me on a rolled oats regime for my cholesterol. He calls it porridge. I call it cruel gruel.

What does this all mean? Simple. I am now officially old.

You might also like:

Health Warning

Resident Aliens

30 thoughts on “Jack the Hobbling Goblin

  1. No, dear heart – never old.
    The body may not always play ball, but as long as your head’s still right … oh … hang on a wee minute there … ah … just realised … erm … well, it will come to us all, old chap.


  2. Oh dear Jack, this doesn’t sound good. And you sound sorry for yourself… I am officially old too (if that helps) – my cholesterol levels make doctors frown, too. What to do about your jumping calves, though? Oats is supposed to help with cholesterol, but…hasn’t worked for me, yet (after several years!!)


      1. Good! One shouldn’t let these things get you down though – it could always be worse, and we want to have a bit of fun in our old age!!


  3. Just thinking about the return to Ing-er-land has caused your BP to climb! Cholesterol rises in anticipation of fission chips, meat pies, Brit doner kebabs. Legs getting ready to run away again?


  4. Jumping limbs and oats, you training for the grand national this year Jack?

    Hope you feel better soon. xxx


  5. Periodic Limb Movement Disorder?? That’s an interesting one. Great to know your liver has survived Bodrum. We’re too scared to have ours checked out. 🙂 Geçmiş olsun. x


      1. If you buy magnesium supplements, don’t get the magnesium oxide ones. Your body absorbs only a fraction of them. Get magnesium citrate, glycinate, etc. Meanwhile, if you can get them, try adding Epsom salts to your bath.


  6. So glad to hear your heart et. al. is ok!

    I can relate to your PLM: I have RLS, or what used to be called Restless Legs Syndrome but is now called Ekbom’s Disease. It’s a royal pain in the ass, isn’t it? Stay away from caffeine and chocolate!


  7. Good luck Jack hope the diet works yes we are all getting older strangely enough and then there just comes a time when it becomes too obvious to ignore. I have been hiding from the old age thingy now for years.


Share your thoughts

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.