My second guest blogger is Alan from Archers of Okçular. Alan lives in the small farming village of Okçular. We live in the same province of Muğla but might as well be on different planets. His Turkey is the real deal and he’s been living it for 14 years.
Before you crack up, ‘Penis Points’ are no laughing matter; ‘Penis Points’ are, quite literally, a matter of life and death! At least here in Turkey they are. ‘Penis Points’ are a growth industry; ‘Penis Points’ figure in the GDP of the country, they are an essential component in keeping the economy ticking over. Above all, ‘Penis Points’ are a man thing and although I have observed the odd lady collecting her ‘puans’, they are, as a rule, far too sensible to join in these childish antics.
Before I go on, I’d like to relate a story from a time before J and I had considered coming to Turkey to live. We were visiting Istanbul on one of those ‘Weekend Breaks’ and whilst there had met up with Turkish friends. Mehri, the male half of the duo, was a gentle, quietly spoken university lecturer who emanated an aura of peace and love. He and his wife had collected us by car from our hotel and we had just merged into the stream of traffic when an amazing transformation took place; Mehri hunched over the wheel and began snarling and shouting. He hammered the car horn and drove aggressively at those around him; there was much honking back and screeching of tyres. At first it was mildly disturbing, funny even; but as the lunacy grew and the remonstrations from his wife went unheard, we began to fear for our safety.
Suddenly, he swerved violently into a narrow and very steeply descending side road and proceeded downhill at speed totally ignoring several crossroads before screeching to a stop outside his apartment. As he switched off the ignition another switch clicked in his demented, schizophrenic brain and the persona of Mr Hyde dissolved and there, once again, calm and smiling, was our friend Dr Mehri Jekyll!
This was our first introduction to the ‘Trafik Canavar’ or ‘Traffic Monster’, an incubus lurking inside so many, ever seeking opportunities for a quick ‘flash’ and the accumulation of those ego boosting ‘Penis Points’. The reality of the motor vehicle as an extension of the driver’s maleness was no longer some psychologist’s quaint theory; we had just witnessed it in reality.
So, what are these ‘Penis Points’ then? Well, they relate mainly to driving; are, as I said, almost exclusively a male thing and they are measured on a graduated scale from ‘Downright Stupid’ (1) to ‘Causing Death By Dangerous Driving’ (10).
Here are some examples:
- You overtake in a perfectly safe way but the guy you passed experienced a strange physiological happening – his penis shrivelled! His only remedy is to glue his car to your back bumper and then, when the moment is least suitable, over/undertake you. Oh! Joy, this prick is back to normal! Plus 6 points.
- You are at a junction, you check carefully and the nearest vehicle is 500 yards away so you pull out. The guy is so affronted that he accelerates up to your rear bumper blasting his horn before passing you on the pavement. Plus 8 points.
- You pass/pull out on a truck driver who suffers an immediate flaccid moment and then jacks up by hounding your bumper for the next 20 miles (or to the next incline, whichever comes first). He’ll usually catch you up later, when you least expect it and continuing to try sticking his manhood up your tail pipe! Plus 7 points.
- You are driving along peacefully when you are confronted by the flashing lights of the black Merc/BMW with Istanbul plates that is hurtling towards you at 180kms in YOUR lane, and you are required to drive off into the forest or compete directly with his superior crumple-zone protection. Plus 3 or 9 points depending on how soon you react!
- Some loony driving his tractor/car/ truck pulls out of the side road without stopping/pausing and turns directly towards you in your lane expecting that whoever is there will take the necessary evasive action. ‘Allah Korusun!’ Plus 4 points.
- This guy has been crowding your rear bumper for miles on straight, clear roads; suddenly, as you approach a blind bend, he sees his opportunity for an enlargement job and pulls out to confront the huge TIR truck that has just appeared with much flashing of lights and bellowing of horns! Judged well, this is a 10 pointer!
There are many other examples and variations on the theme which include the shooting up of road signs with pistol or shotgun from the moving vehicle. Penis Points are awarded based on speed and accuracy!
I am of the opinion that a significant percentage of male drivers in this country, whether Turk or foreigner, have been sexually repressed by their overprotective, overbearing mothers to some degree or other; and that the only possible relief is to be found in the soft porn pages of most daily newspapers or by traffic manoeuvres that have the chance to bring about the ultimate orgasm of killing yourself or, better still, some poor, bloody innocent third party!
Aaaaaahhhh! How was it for you, darling? Absolutely smashing!!!
Perking the Pansies 
ha ha ha so true! wonderful! I might add one: being on your mobile and swearing at your wife while driving a bus load of 50 people… extra points for swerving into oncoming traffic on a mountain road.
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11 out of 10 for that!
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Great post Alan and so completely and correctly observed. I think the traffic accidents here are absolutely horrifying, been driving here for over 15 years. If my husband, who is a kind of Turk but his swearing proves he is really full blooded in this matter is in the passenger seat, which he normally is due to his dislike of driving, (that is in the proper driving seat) has the ability to lean over and take over the wheel from the front passenger seat. I have been training him in road rage but sometimes even now it bursts forth before I even know something has occurred and he will lean over beep the horn and exclaim something terrible about the other drivers Mothers personal parts, I think the only way to resolve this very potentially dangerous occurrence would be to ask him to sit in the back, however that could be massively damaging to his penis points. As a woman driver, actually quite possible not only here but in the whole world, you experience regularly this amazed stolid look ‘I am totally in the right !!’ peering down at you (normally male but not always) from a driver who has done something so amazingly stupid you would think they would want to hide behind the wheel . If it wasn’t so dangerous it would be completely hilarious. One of the most dangerous and very recent incident was a Mercedes from Ankara over taking me in a two way tunnel at amazing speed, I think this must of been just a simple death wish from a government official.
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Hi Yvonne, ‘Dead Right’ sort of sums it all up – it winds me up and I get stubborn about who owns my side of the road, which is also pretty stupid!
Oooops! Sorry, Jack – am I supposed to be replying? Not sure of the etiquette here.
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Of course you can reply. All are welcome.
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I consider myself fortunate to live in a country (Netherlands) where the ‘Penis Point’ patrol is operating at the amateur level. Although I did have to laugh as I recalled car after car driven by a guy in his late teens accelerating to a ridiculous speed on the short entrance road leading to my Daughter’s voetbal club last night. Amateurs they may be, but something clearly was up! (Pun intended)
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What sort of balls club is that your daughter goes to? 😉
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Spot on! Sad but true bless em.
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It’s blessings that many of them end up with at the mezalik!
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to each of you, I tried to reply but I don’t see them here now – never mind, I truly appreciate your comments. Despite my mumbled ramblings, I love this country and its amazing inhabitants – even the drivers – well, maybe not the drivers!
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I love this post and you could not have summed it up better Alan. While out and about driving the other day, I noticed that every crazy move by other drivers was completed by males and they were honking their horns at me for staying inside the speed limit and not risking my life.! Also, I hate getting in the car when hubby is driving as he completes for all the points mentioned above!
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and it gets worse during Ramazan when blood-sugar levels are out of kilter – J and I tend to stay away from roads till after the Seker Bayram. Other than that ‘En Garde!’ – and what do you mean ‘it’s ALL men’?
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Alan, this is my first encounter with your blog, but ‘funny’ doesn’t describe this entry. “Side splitting”, “insightful”, “pee in your pants funny”, “sociologically spot on”…..thank you! (Turkish American ‘guest’ to this blog site)
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You left before you had to experience the new Bitez roundabout!! Makes Russian Roulette look safe!
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Can’t wait to sample it next year. How many dead?
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ahahaha Penis Points – it’s a worldwide thing. Great post!
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Glad you liked Alan’s guest post. He’ll be chuffed. Turkish drivers are truly atrocious. We had our own dice with death back in the day.
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OK, having survived three months riding in Turkey on a motorcycle, here’s my favourite story. I’m driving out of Istanbul and heading for Izmit on the motorway. The traffic has finally started moving at an even pace. There are no more water sellers or tomato sellers sliding between the lanes selling their wares, no more mothers nipping over the barriers with their kids threading their way through the traffic. But there are still three narrow solid lanes. I’m stuck in the middle one. I have a coach driver behind me. For several miles he has been pounding on horn. I have no idea what he expects me to do. Suddenly he goes quiet, and foolishly, I’m relieved. But other horns begin to blare behind me and I glance in my mirror. The coach driver is physically barging his way into the traffic of the right-hand inside lane. Half a minute later he is alongside me. He now starts to force his nose in front of me, attempting to physically push me out of the lane. I have nowhere to go. I am being squeezed tighter and tighter between the coach and traffic in the outside lane. Then, suddenly, from my left, a white van appears and also cuts into my lane ahead of me. A game of ‘chicken’ now ensues between the van and the coach. They fight it out for the middle lane. The car behind me is right on my tail, but I slow ever so gently to try to put some space between me and the gunslingers in front. This results in a furious honking from behind. The van and the coach exchange some paint, and the van forces the coach back into the inside lane before triumphantly taking up position in front of me. Now the entire world is honking. The inner lane slows and the coach is forced to drop back once again his fist now permanently on the horn. Hey. This is Turkey!
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Alan, you sure you do not live in Italy? These same rules seem to apply. Thank you for giving me a laugh out loud. Love from France, Nicole
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