We popped down to the village for jar or two in the warm spring sunshine. We were more or less forced to spend the afternoon with a couple of desperate ex-housewives. Wizened Mariette is a French woman now living in London with a holiday home in Turkey. She was interesting for all of five minutes. We asked her where in France she was from. ‘Geneva,’ she replied. Liam helpfully pointed out that last time he looked on a map Geneva was in Switzerland. Our suspicion that she was one sandwich short of a picnic was confirmed when she responded ‘Yes, that’s right, in France.’ Her plump friend Suzy was a busty barmaid from Leatherhead with the ruddy complexion of a farmer’s wife. Suzy had a permanently startled look, an unfortunate expression for a barmaid from Leatherhead. It was as if she’d sat on something rather unpleasant.