i-m-so-excitedLiam’s possesses a fine pair of lanky lalls and doesn’t look good with his knees wedged against his chin so I booked emergency exit seats for the flight to Palma. You can do that on Sleazyjet these days (for an extra fee, obviously) and this helps to mitigate the scrum at the gate where it’s every man for himself and the Devil takes the hindmost. Senior citizens have been known to break a hip in the sprint. As Liam enjoyed the extra inches, our neighbours gathered around us: a squawking clutch of bottle-blond Essex grannies with fake nails, fake teeth, spray-on tans and spray-on micro-skirts. They hit the bottle as soon as soon as the captain switched off the fasten your seat belt sign. Drinking the plane dry, they even demanded a discount as they polished off the bar. The saintly cabin crew indulged them with grace and patience. We were relieved that an emergency landing was not required since these pissed-up ladies would have struggled to see the doors, let alone release them and the only brace position they knew was chucking up in the gutters of Magaluf. One senior attendant, a slightly camp Spanish trolley dolly with an Andalucian lisp, had clearly seen it all before. He looked over at us with a wearied expression, throwing his eyes up to the clouds in resignation. Almodóvar met Essex and lost every time.

17 thoughts on “I’m So Excited

  1. Oh good Lord! I generally dislike the experience of flying, and drunken traveling companions is just too much! At the end of the Jamaica – London flight, I often feel like giving the cabin staff a medal each as they say goodbye to us all, trying to conceal their feeling of relief! They are indeed saintly. Happy holidays!


  2. . . my daughter ended her flying career as purser on ‘Maiden Seattle’ (geddit) doing the Tokyo run for Beardie of Virgin fame – the stories she told you wouldn’t believe – although having to drive through Essex these days to get anywhere, you probably would!


  3. “.a squawking clutch of bottle-blond Essex grannies with fake nails, fake teeth, spray-on tans and spray-on micro-skirts.”

    This had me giggling but what worries me are the spray-on micro-skirts. Tee-hee. You sound so unflappable. Entertaining, you are.


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