Crazy Norfolk Broads

One late evening, Liam popped out for a pint of semi-skimmed for our morning cuppa and a bottle of cheap red. As he turned an ancient corner, he found himself leaping for his life as an elderly Norfolk broad sped towards him in a motorised wheelchair. She had what Liam described as a “unique” look: coal black hair long enough to sit on (though at the time, it flapped wildly in the tail wind) and a plump, chalk-white face, daringly decorated with randomly applied scarlet rouge. The F1 racing chair was festooned with blue fairy lights and an ice-cream van tune chimed from speakers hidden beneath her witch’s weaves. Fancy dress or magic mushrooms? Fleeing the wardens or just late for the coven? Who knows? One thing’s for sure, Liam will never complain again about the mad moped boys of Bodrum.

A few days later, I swanned along the cobbled street to the post box, entrusting another signed book into the care of the Royal Mail. As I popped the package into the slot, a hunched and hefty Norfolk broad swaggered past, weighed down by two fat Tesco’s bags. Gusset-sagging black and white leggings led up to a booty-hugging canary yellow micro-skirt. Think a couple of cows wrestling in a sack rather than two little piglets. Perhaps the most striking element of the arresting ensemble was the ruffled blond bob, an ill-fitting wig, curling precariously around a bumpy builder’s complexion and hanging on for dear life. This remarkable piece of living art was bravely topped with a pretty yellow dahlia poking out from a white Alice band. Personally, I thought the plastic flower was a bit OTT.

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12 thoughts on “Crazy Norfolk Broads

  1. I knew you should have stayed in Turkey. To die under the wheels of a heavily gelled Turkish yoof albeit one smelling of standard issue aftershave lends a certain glamour to your demise. Certainly more so than at the hands of painted geriatric. Maybe she should be diverted to Turkey to become the darling of a gelled and preened tomboy!

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  2. I’m sure we could palm her off on some 20 yr old stud looking for a visa out. If he had a noisy moped, even better. They could rip up Turgutreis Cad. together.

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  3. I must admit to a sneaking admiration for those that grow into eccentricity and grow old disgracefully, not for me the Archers, the Times Crossword and the M&S twinset. 🙂

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