I caught up with Maurice in our favourite Soho dive. We used to be an item and met in the very same bar one damp Friday after work. We spent two years together. We guided each other through some hard times and shared some extraordinary emotional moments of healing and revelation. Maurice is an engineer which is a little unusual among the brethren.
Category: Food & Drink
What’s for Tea Tonight Dear?
I trudged across half of old London Town to take tea with Philip. He and his partner, David, run a fancy fromage shop in Twickenham which is doing brisk business judging by the brigade of chattering class Guardian readers queuing around the block. Unfortunately, they just missed out on the EU contract to supply Parmigiano Reggiano to the Irish needy. I managed to extract Philip from the pong for an all too brief catch up.
Philip writes a fabulous foody blog called ‘What’s for tea tonight, dear’ which is a beautifully crafted, chatty read full of mouth-watering recipes. His innate intelligence is beautifully blended with creativity, wit and style. All this pales into insignificance when compared to his astonishing ability to drink me under the table.
There is Nothing Like a Dame
My time in Blighty is a captivating carousel of shopping and social engagements. I enjoyed a gorgeous gossipy lunch with Julia, an old work pal from way back. She’s the Chief Executive of the British Association of Occupational Therapists and at the pinnacle of her career. Naturally, she was nothing before she met me. She’s the only VIP I know, and I’m convinced that a damehood will be in the offing at the end of her tenure – for her of course. I’ve already got mine.
Liam is spending quality time with his folks. I pop by now and again to sup my father-in-law’s Jameson’s and catch up on Corrie with the mother-in-law.
The Emigrey Express
We flew home on the emigrey express. To our fore was a banquet of bleached, bottle-blonds whose tinted tresses disguised a sea of solar haggard, sour facades. Obviously a peroxide barnet is a VOMIT prerequisite.
To the aft lay a sallow, loud-mouthed, drunken imitation of Archie Moon cuddling an empty bottle of Bells. He’d spent his time in the departure lounge downing the duty free and popping frequently to the tuvalet for an illicit fag. He dozed through most of the flight but awoke ten minutes before touchdown and casually lit a cigarette which was rapidly dispatched by the horrified staff. Meanwhile, Liam munched his way through two packets of chewy caramel, soft nougat and crispy chocolate balls that cost more than the airfare. We landed just before Gatwick was closed for the winter.
Blighty life pal, Karen, is housing us during our trip to the mother country, storing us in her delux en-suite loft. She is blessed with a wonderful home – chic and bohemian at the same time. She is a classy, off the wall lady of taste, charm and substance and fancies herself as a Mrs Madrigal type. The cap really fits. Karen’s husband, Peter, died of cancer a couple of years ago. His decline had been indecently swift, and she is slowly emerging from the disabling pain of grief: a hard slog that I know only too well.
My Name is Jack, I am a Chocoholic
We are readying ourselves for our ‘holiday’ to London for the festive period. It feels strange, doing things in reverse for the first time. Most of the practical stuff here has been sorted, registering our stress index at zero. Chrissy seems amazed at how easy it has been for us, all due to her intervention, of course. We thought we’d already paid our dues in cash and kind, but it seems our gratitude is expected to be everlasting.
We’ve both lost weight despite our best efforts to nurture a cheap drink problem. Mind you, substituting convenience foods saturated with salt and sugar and stuffed with E numbers with freshly prepared meals just might have something to do with it. However, we absolutely dread the thought of early onset emigrey arms so are developing an addiction to chocolate to compensate.
Cheaper than Primark
We sought provisions in the Thursday pazar. Split into two, edibles and non-edibles, the market is a splendid melting pot of punters, peasants, spivs, hawkers and pick pockets. Bazaars are big business and the whole enterprise is a travelling circus with stall holders moving from town to town each day. The edible section is a pot pourri for the senses – great quality fresh fruit and veg, aromatic herbs and spices, exotic dairy produce, the odd chicken in a cage and the usual selection of Turkish delight. Prices are cheap.
The non-edible bit is less agreeable: stall after stall of tatty household and electrical goods without a kite mark between them, poor quality fake designer wear, overpriced linens and the hard sell carpet traders. We are pestered with ‘Hello Jimmy’ and ‘Cheaper than Primark.’ Of course, the answer to the latter proclamation is that nothing is cheaper than Primark.
Emigrey Arms
I have detected that a defining anatomical characteristic of the emigrey male is an unsightly affliction called emigrey arms. No, this is not a popular watering hole for the expats but a kind of muscle wasting condition of the upper limbs, brought on by over-exposure to the sun and alcohol abuse resulting in leathery flaps of wrinkled loose skin dripping from sinewy triceps: bingo wings without the lard.
She Who Must be Obeyed
It was a breezy but sunny afternoon. We decided to take advantage of the benign climate and sink a sherry or two in Yalıkavak. We sat at a sheltered table outside a restaurant and ordered a couple of Efes’ (the ubiquitous Turkish brew). Sitting at an adjacent table was a small clutch of emigreys; one woman and two men. The woman was a skeletal, severe looking creature with angular face, beady eyes, austere short cut home-highlighted hair and a shrill voice. As she held court, her emasculated companions attended her silently, nodding in submissive deference as required. She complained stridently of all things Turkish. iam innocently lit a cigarette, provoking her immediate high octave wrath.
“I can’t believe” she screeched ‘how people can smoke while I am eating. How disgusting. It should not be allowed!’
We had hoped that we’d left sanctimonious anti-smoking fascists behind when we migrated. Alas not. We tolerated her invective for a few moments but when Liam could bear it no longer, he coolly but firmly asserted
‘Excuse me. Would you mind not bitching behind my back. If you have anything to say, please say it to my face.’
Clearly, a woman unused to such a direct challenge from anyone, she stuttered out her request lamely.
‘Fine,’ he replied.
Once she had finished her meal, he lit up again and chain smoked. The contest of wills that followed descended into an undeclared war of attrition to see who would leave first. We ordered a second drink, then a third. Finally, she conceded defeat and departed with one of her companions following meekly behind. As the clicking of her witches heels faded into the distance, her liberated second companion sank into his chair and lit a long-awaited cigarette.
Baby, It’s Cold Inside
It’s colder inside than out. This doesn’t bode well for the winter to come. The perfect storm rolled across the horizon and crashed ashore caging the house with fork lightening and cutting the power. Liam screamed like a girl. Brimming flat roofs discharged the deluge like mini Niagaras and the virtually vertical access road became a white water ride swollen by instant tributaries from across Mount Tepe. We feared a landslide. The storm abated as quickly as it had risen. Power restored, Liam returned to making his spicy sharon fruit chutney.
Delia, Daisies and Dick
Following our sojourn to Sodom, curvaceous Charlotte and dapper Alan invited us to their gaff for a late light bite. They have a luxuriant but unpretentious home overlooking Yalıkavak. Domestic goddess Charlotte served up a splendid spread of full fat tastiness. My arteries hardened with every morsel. There we met the congenial Greg and Sam, a couple of muscle marys from Turgutreis who retreated from east London three years ago, forsaking unfulfilling careers and studded thongs for peace and tranquillity. Impressively, they have been together for over twenty years contradicting the widely held belief that gay men are genetically incapable of sustaining a relationship beyond the first date. They used to be anatomically huge but have since somewhat deflated by exchanging pumping iron for jam making. However, they still have the biggest pecs on the peninsula. We share the same vocabulary of Delia, daisies and dick. They are to be our new best gay friends.
Perking the Pansies 