What’s Your Poison?

Heart Attack, Anyone?

Hardly a week goes by without being told that this is bad for you, that is good for you, what used to be good for you is now bad for you, eat more of this, eat less of that, blah, blah, blah. What’s a boy to do? We’ve already abandoned terribly important jobs with responsibility and status (or so we thought) and we’ve jettisoned the Gü Puds. Jobs and puds were the instruments of our undoing. On the minus side we’ve developed a unhealthy weakness for strong liquor and failed miserably to pack in the fags. The cigarette variety, obviously; hell will freeze over before I give up the other brand. Yet despite our various vices, Liam and I have lost weight, feel infinitely less stressed and our blood pressure has dropped. In Liam’s case, it’s so low that I keep a vanity mirror by the bedside to check for breathing in the morning.

I’m not promoting an entirely degenerate existence but ponder this:

Domestic Gorgon

This woman is 51. She is a TV health guru advocating a holistic approach to nutrition and health. She promotes exercise and a vegetarian diet high in organic fruit and fresh vegetables. She recommends detox, colonic irrigation and multiple supplements. She advocates regular faecal examination like some kind of scat fetishist. She’s painfully thin and looks ill, even in makeup. It’s enough to make you anally retentive.

Domestic Goddess

This woman is 51. She is a TV cook who eats nothing but meat, butter and lots of desserts, all washed down with top-brand vodka, single malt scotch and a bottle of good wine every day. She’s voluptuous, sexy and licks a spoon like a porn star.

I rest my case.

Perhaps you’d also like:

Oh Woe is Me

Emigrey Arms

Thank you Nikki for the inspiration for this one.

23 thoughts on “What’s Your Poison?

  1. Wow. The TV health guru looks really rough. I am tired of the “good for you, bad for you” syndrome. I have always adored a good cup of coffee and Jamaican Blue Mountain is superb… but have always had fingers wagged at me for drinking too much of the stuff. Now suddenly it might actually be good for you! Even healthy food like avocados (we have huge, delicious ones here) apparently now contain far too much of the wrong kind of fat… Oh, crap!! I will go on eating and drinking what I enjoy. Life’s too short…


  2. I totally agree with you and women of a certain age cannot get away with being scrawny.
    I think it is in the genes and also an attitude of mind.
    If you think old you will feel old and if you think young you will stay young looking.
    Stress doesn’t help in the fight to stay young, so I would recommend to anyone reading this blog, work like hell, save as much as you can, then emigrate to the sun.


  3. If someone regularly shoved a colonic irrigation tube up my doofer I’d look like the Domestic Gorgon too LOL!Too thin,too fat,too much,this not that.Bods to the lot of it.Science just seems to come out with what ever suits the fad of the day.If you feel comfortable and you ain’t hurting another living soul just do what takes your fancy and eat what takes your fancy☺Sermon over.
    Another portion of künefe please!
    (and the nanother ciggie☺)


    1. Interestingly, most of my closest Blighty life friends are veggies. Most do it for political rather than nutritional reasons. I’m an unabashed carnivore though we eat much less meat than we used to because it’s so damn expensive here.


  4. I’m with Nigela….so what if I have to wear a size bigger than 10 years ago! See you on the Siesta for a magnificent lunch, lots of wine and a laugh!


  5. No doubt in my mind it is so. I have a hunch that the Turks have the answer in the yogurt and fresh air…but the butter, meat, spoon-licker extraordinaire can’t be denied compared to the wilted carrot looking lady.


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