Where To Now St. Peter?

We fancied another pilgrimage and we settled on Peterborough in neighbouring Cambridgeshire, with its epic house of God. While I may be a dedicated heathen, I totally get that back in the days of the great unschooled, the sheer scale and splendour of such colossal erections could keep even the doubters in line. How could mere mortals create such magnificence without the guiding hand of the Almighty? So we jumped on the cross-country ‘Let’s Roll With Pride’ themed train from Norwich.

Peterborough Cathedral was originally founded sometime during the 7th century as an Anglo-Saxon monastery called Medeshamstede. The community thrived until the 9th century before being sacked by pillaging Vikings. To avoid any repeat of that maker-meeting misfortune, the monks enclosed a rebuilt Medeshamstede in thick stone walls, and the settlement became a ‘Burh’ – a ‘fortified’ place. The name ‘Peter’ was then prefixed to honour the monastery’s principal titular saint, and thus Peterborough was born. Or maybe a simpler explanation is that no one could actually pronounce Medeshamstede. Whatever the reason, the abbey church was finally re-consecrated as a cathedral in the 16th century when that old bed-hopping plunderer Henry VIII dissolved the monasteries and pilfered their assets to pay for all those lavish royal weddings and glittering codpieces.

What you see today is mostly 12th-century Norman with a few later Gothic add-ons. As we wandered around, we could hear a heavenly choir rehearsing for an evening concert. The divine sound filled the enormous space – a holy tune amplified by superb acoustics.

A bit of a surprise was the discovery that Mary, Queen of Scots was buried in the cathedral after she lost her head for plotting against the first Queen Elizabeth. Mary got the last laugh, though. The Virgin Queen died childless and Mary’s own son, James VI of Scotland, became James I of England, thus uniting the crowns. James had his mother’s remains moved to Westminster Abbey. The rest, as they say…

Looking around a big pile works up a big thirst so afterwards we decamped to a local hostelry for a few sherries. It was called the Queen’s Head and featured, yes, you guessed it, the Queen’s head – of the second Queen Elizabeth.

Today, Peterborough often gets a bad press but we found it to be a vibrant and entertaining city with colourful characters and mouthwatering global street food. The only minor irritant was the large congregation of ‘Jesus freaks out on the street, handing tickets out for God’, as famously sung by that other great British queen, Elton John, in ‘Tiny Dancer’. But I guess these modern-day evangelical ‘monks’ are only keeping the holy vibe alive. After all, that’s how it all began.

From Social Outcasts to National Treasures

London is a gloriously haphazard, jumbled up kind of place where the rich and the ragged sometimes co-exist cheek by jowl. The Boltons in West London is an address for the seriously loaded, thought to be the second most expensive street* in the land – you won’t get much change out of £23 million. Famous former residents include Douglas Fairbanks Jnr, Jenny Lind and Madonna – the queen of pop that is, not of Heaven. And yet, close by is an entirely different Boltons, an imposing late-Victorian pub. It’s a building with a chequered, ever so slightly sleazy history. From the mid-fifties until the early nineties it was a gay bar. But then time was called on the boozy cruising and it was flogged off to be reborn as a faux Oirish theme pub as part of the O’Neill’s chain. Finally, it morphed into a trendy, overpriced gastropub called The Bolton. That didn’t last either. Nowadays, the boozer is down on its uppers – boarded up, forlorn and flaking; the only punters at the bar are squatters.

Back in the late seventies when I was a fresh-faced young gay-about-London Town, I sometimes drank in Boltons. It was a smoke-filled and deliciously seedy den of vice frequented by assorted ne’er-do-wells – rent boys, drunks, druggies, pimps, peddlers and petty thieves – a place to keep a tight hold of your wallet, if not your virtue. Not that I ever rented out, peddled or picked pockets, of course. It was just fun to watch the action, like feeding time at the zoo.

Now I hear that the worthy burghers of Kensington and Chelsea – the local council and my former bosses – have granted the building protected status because as Councillor Cem Kemahli said…

“The recognition of this historic pub as a listed site stands not just as a tribute to its architectural importance but also celebrates its role as a cherished hub within the LGBTQ+ community. The preservation of buildings like this one echoes our history and diverse communities in the borough.”

Blimey. It’s not that long ago when the worthy burghers were trying to get all the local gay venues closed down. From social outcasts to national treasures in just 40 years.

*the UK’s most expensive street is Kensington Palace Gardens in the same London borough, not far away from the Boltons.

Prevention is the Best Medicine

As we strolled into the village for a few Sunday sherries, we happened upon this poster on the high street. It took us by surprise – but in a really good way.

Last week was HIV Testing Week, backed by a national campaign called It Starts With Me and offering free home testing kits for all. We’ve come a long way since testing involved a heart-stopping clinic visit and a nail-biting two-week wait for the result. While AIDS may not be the kiss of death it once was – unless you live in Sub-Sahel Africa, that is – the disease still stalks the bars and bedrooms. We have the real opportunity to rid ourselves of its toxic embrace once and for all. Because, after all, prevention is the best medicine.

All of Us Strangers – Simply Mesmerising

We’d heard amazing things about All of Us Strangers. It’s caused quite a stir among the critics and film award aficionados, so we decided to see what all the fuss was about with a trip to Norwich’s Cinema City. Originally a wealthy merchant’s gaff, it now houses three screens, a bar and a restaurant under a vaulted stone ceiling. Membership gives us free tickets and discounted drinks so, as is our habit, we had a few sherries in the medieval great hall beforehand.

As for the film, well, it’s the most extraordinary piece of cinema I’ve seen in years. Based on the 1987 novel Strangers by Taichi Yamada, it’s a masterpiece and has been lavished with praise and awards since its release. More gongs to come, I’m sure.

So what’s it about? A passionate romance between two loners set to a glorious eighties soundtrack of the Pet Shop Boys, Frankie Goes to Hollywood and Alison Moyet? Yes, but it’s so much more than that, so much deeper. The film begins with writer Adam sitting at his desk in his fancy high-rise staring out at the night-time London skyline. What follows is an examination of profound grief where the past is knitted with the present in a hopeful attempt to find forgiveness and resolution. But is this an autobiographical screenplay Adam is struggling to write? Or a series of fantastical dream sequences? Or perhaps it’s a classic ghost story? Go see it and decide for yourself. All I can say is there wasn’t a dry eye in the house. 

Andrew Scott as Adam is mesmerising. And the exquisite Paul Mescal as his sexy squeeze, Harry, hits the bullseye too. Here’s the trailer…

As an aside, Harry reminded me of a sexy squeeze of my own back in the day who introduced me to Kraftwerk’s amazing 1978 album The Man-Machine as we rolled around the floor of a South Kensington mews house. But that’s another story.

The Good Old Days

We’ve all heard the tedious line about how the good old days were so much better. It’s said by those who yearn for a bygone era of stiff upper lips, Sunday church and honour on the cricket field, a time when the buttoned-up knew their place and respected their betters. Of course, the reality for many was very different – backstreet abortions, cold water slums, consumption and rickets. And let’s not forget; the love that dares not speak its name could get you banged up. Oh, the smug joy of seeing the past through rose-tinted glasses. Sounds like a nasty dose of false memory syndrome to me.

But then I saw this on Faceache and started to wonder if maybe it wasn’t so bad after all.

If this is genuine, it must be from an American rag. New-fangled miracle machines like dishwashers were but a pipe dream in post-war, bombed-out Britain. But I am drawn to the notion of a doting homemaker who never complains and whose only function in life is to service my every need. If only I could get Liam to ‘fix his makeup’ and ‘put a ribbon in his hair’ just before I get home after a hard day at the office. And ‘be a little gay’ to give me a well-earned lift.

Fat chance. I should have slipped ‘obey’ into our marriage vows. He calls me his ‘little gay’.

Jack on OnlyFans

Only kidding. I doubt anyone would hand over their hard-earned cash to watch me waving my wrinkly old willy about. Though, way back in my pretty-boy days, I was occasionally offered a few farthings for a facial. But that’s another story. So I do wonder why certain internet search terms bring furtive fumblers to pansyland seeking cheap titillation. And what search words might they be? Well – jail bait, rent boys and scally workmen get top billing. Poor sods, I do hope they’re not too deflated by my humdrum random ramblings. Nothing to see here. Move on.  

New Year, New Life, New Hope

During Twixmas, one of our many nephews asked his long-term partner to marry him. His proposal was made at a surprise engagement do in London. Was he wise or foolhardy to drop to one knee in front of his nearest and dearest, ring in hand? Will she? Won’t she? Well, she burst into happy tears and said yes so there’s the answer. Relief all round to the sound of chinking and cheers. With tension eased, the party got into full swing. The young ‘uns kept their old gay uncles well-oiled with plonk and Jagerbombs. We must have looked like a pair of old drunken dowagers propped up in the corner.

We also found out that our soon-to-be niece-in-law is heavy with twins. They already have one toddler – fredelicious Freddy – so three will soon become five.

New year, new life, new hope.

I’ll leave you with London’s epic New Year’s Eve fireworks, a spectacular light show to celebrate ‘a city for all’ with a nod to some of the more positive events of 2023, including the 10th anniversary of the legalisation of same-sex marriage in England and Wales. Amen to that.

Top of the Pansy Pops 2023

Looking around at our troubled and troubling world, 2023 hasn’t exactly been the best of years – precious little hope and definitely no glory. Despite the doom and gloom, for the most part village life has remained tranquil and quietly satisfying, with the pansies erect and un-wilted. We know how lucky we are. This year’s crop of top pansy posts reflects this theme and has a distinctly personal and domestic feel with splash and crash, a Turkish dilly-dally, a hungry pot plant and a little slice of Essex chucked into the mix. For some unknown reason, July saw a surge in interest. And then there was the old post about our coffin hatch, which suddenly took off in November. Who knows why? It’s a mystery.

Here’s wishing for a little peace in 2024.

John Garner 1967-2003: Twenty Years On

I looked around the tidy cemetery. It was serenely silent except for the sound of birdsong and the trickle of water from the mouths of the dolphins in their petrified embrace. It calmed me. I sat on the bench and inserted the earphones of the MP3 player, already cued for the moment. I pressed play,…

From Tossers to Flonkers

We’ve become part-time groupies for our local village bowls team. To the uninitiated, bowls is a traditional sport beloved of the grey herd in which the objective is to roll weighted balls along a green so that they stop close to a smaller ball at the other end – closest wins. A variant of French boules, the…

Battle of Water-loo

We returned from our nostalgic dalliance in Dalyan to water trickling down our dining room wall. Okay, it’s a bit of a stretch to call it an actual dining room. It’s more of a dining area. We quickly traced the leak to our bathroom, shut off the stopcock and summoned an emergency plumber. Nice young…

Dallying in Dalyan

It’s been a quarter of a century since I last visited Dalyan on Turkey’s pine-clad south-west coast. Back in the day, it was a sleepy village on a dreamy, reed-lined river stuffed with turtles. I’d been told that Dalyan had since grown into a full-on resort stuffed with young Russians avoiding the call-up. As they…

Home Alone Day 2

The definition of boredom is cleaning out the bathroom extractor fan with an old toothbrush. Let’s face it, there’s only so much knick-knack dusting a boy can do when home alone. But I’m not yet ready for a meagre diet of daytime TV for the sofa-bound brain-dead – all idle chit-chat from nobodies about nothing.…

Bloody-Minded Brits

I’ve always had a fu*k ’em attitude to authority, particularly the do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do hypocrites. You know the kind of thing: politicians preaching ‘family values’ while knocking off their secretaries on the side or hellfire priests touching up the altar boys in the vestry. I’m glad to say that sheer bloody-mindedness is a glorious national trait. And…

Echo Youth Theatre Presents Little Shop of Horrors

We had a little taste of Echo Youth Theatre’s Little Shop of Horrors at the Maddermarket’s recent charity gig and thought, yep, that’s right up our alley. The quirky musical comedy features Skid Row florist Seymour in a kinda horticultural ménage à trois with co-worker Audrey and Audrey 2, his pet pot plant with an…

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Liam is away visiting an old friend from his wayward early years as a young gay about town. They worked and played together when Liam did a proper job with a pension attached. It’s the first time I’ve been home alone since we moved to the village over three years ago. Liam left to catch…

Road to Nowhere

We binned the car in 2014 so, unsurprisingly, good public transport is important to us. That’s why we chose a village close to Norwich with a decent bus service – regular and reliable. And Norwich has fast and frequent train services to London for our big city fixes and family stuff. All in all, it…

The Only Way is Essex

Essex, the home county to the east of London, has the reputation of being, well, a bit chavvy. But there’s more to Essex than big hair, gaudy bling, fake tans, assisted tits and impossibly white tombstone teeth – and that’s just the men. Beyond the faceless towns of the commuter belt, Essex is a green…

Bring Out Your Dead

Before the miracle of modern medicine and universal healthcare, life for most was plagued by illness or the fear of it. People croaked in their beds from mundane diseases that today we pop a pill for. Many a cottage stairwell was too narrow for a coffin so some featured a trap door between floors called…

Peter Pan, Absolutely Fabulous

It’s Christmas so it must be pantomime time, and panto doesn’t get any more lavish and camp than the annual festive frolic at the London Palladium. Each year the show just gets bigger and better, brasher and trashier, cross-dressed in glitter, sequins and smut. Once again, all our senses were assaulted; the perfect antidote to the drizzle of a dull December and a darkening world.

This year’s extravaganza is a panto mainstay – the evergreen Peter Pan, but not quite as Disney, or indeed JM Barrie, imagined it. Starring Ab Fab’s Jennifer Saunders as Captain Hook and the matchless Julian Clary mincing on as Seaman Smee, the cast also includes Palladium regulars Paul Zerdin, Nigel Havers, Gary Wilmot, and the simply wonderful Rob Madge as Fairy Tink who made us laugh and cry in his autobiographic tale My Son’s a Queer (But What Can You Do?).

This year’s offering struck a more poignant note, dedicated as it was to the late Paul O’Grady, who sparred with Julian Clary on the Palladium stage a number of times as his alter-ego, Lily Savage.

Naturally, Julian steals every scene he’s in with one outrageous costume after another and all the best gags – a tsunami of filth. Absolutely fabulous.

Fight Club

Our nephew Tom entered an amateur boxing competition for charity in honour of his grandmother – my mother – who died of cancer last year. And, of course, we had to be there for moral support and to eye up the sweaty men in silky shorts. The venue was the famous Troxy, a gorgeous art deco former cinema in London’s East End. First opened in 1933, it dodged the bombs during the Blitz when much around it was flattened by the Luftwaffe. Down the decades, the venue has been reincarnated several times and now provides a multipurpose home for an eclectic mix of weird and wonderful events.

It’s also pretty rainbow-friendly. As they say on their website…

In 2019 Troxy cemented its reputation as one of the flagship venues for LGBTQ+ led events. With a superb track record welcoming clients such as Sink The Pink, Ru Paul’s Drag Race and London Gay Men’s Chorus to name a few, Troxy worked hard to create a respectful and welcoming environment for everyone, ensuring that no one is subject to discrimination or harassment of any kind. All staff at the venue are highly trained to create a fully inclusive customer experience, from sensitive security searches to the use of gender neutral pronouns.

We met up with the family in a little hostelry called The Old Ship, a traditional East End boozer which also happens to be a local gay bar serving up drag with the real ales. The pub was full of pre-bout punters mingling with the afternoon regulars. Liam and I hadn’t supped there for twenty years or more, and it was wonderful to see it still thriving while so many others have fallen by the wayside.

Fight club was a suited and booted affair – no tie, no entry – and we were dressed up to the nines to match the rowdy crowd in their best wedding weaves. Chewing gum was banned. “Because it sticks to the carpet – worse than guns,” said the burly bouncer. Enough said.

The scene was set. It was a very butch do; you could almost taste the testosterone. Some bloke in a cheap suit was running a book from the men’s loo and we fully expected local gangster types to muscle in on the action. In fact, it was all good-humoured, despite the full-flowing booze and high spirits. Mind you, the debauchery going down in the orchestra pit looked like the last days of Rome.

The moment came for Tom to step into the ring. His opponent was huge. His mother looked worried. We all did.

Once the big fella threw a few punches, the ref stopped the fight. We were relieved but really proud of Tom. He gave it a go and raised a few farthings into the bargain. All’s well that ends quickly and with pretty-boy face still in one piece.