Tales from the Water Closet

Emiköy Alan, who as a hunky young rookie snatched the Queen’s shilling but found it to be debased, lives with the missus in a traditional Turkish village near Dalyan. Alan writes affectionately of their lives as rustic emigreys in his blog Archers of Okçular. He often leaves witty (so he thinks) comments on my posts. In fact, he’s my number one pundit. It gives him a little pleasure between the frequent power cuts they endure in the wilderness.

Alan recently published a post about the evolution of Turkish privies from low slung to high tech. To be mildly obsessed with evacuation is a peculiarly British pre-occupation. It’s our Dunkirk spirit. Alan reminds us of the all-in-one dump and rinse pans that are now common in this part of the world. The in-pan bidet accessory is a novel concept. Don’t attempt it in winter, though. The icy rush could cause a seizure in those with a weak constitution. When I first tried it, the water pressure was so high that the jet shot between my legs and hit the wall opposite. These days I prefer to use a pack of wet wipes to maintain a fragrant ring.

Cue the funny video:

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18 thoughts on “Tales from the Water Closet

  1. What a hilarious video! When I lived in Japan we had one of those toilets you have to squat over (awkward for a boy or girl) but I’m sure they’re more “civilized” these days…


  2. I’ve had my fair share of nasty experiences with toilets here. I don’t use the bidet function on our toilet either. It’s too violent..and yes I’ve had the same rush of water hitting the wall.
    When Mr A and I were first together he would always go and check toilets in public places before I used them. He would often clean them up a bit before I entered…those were the early romantic days of course but after almost 14 years the novelty has worn off.


    1. I am quite moved by this romantic action. M. often scouts out bathrooms – or warns me away with increasing anxiety if I am desperate and heading for the local cami….usually a jackson pollock-wanna be experience before I even begin! and i’m all about the wipes vs. the bidet! Never leave home without em…


  3. If I had a pound for every time I’ve ended up with wet feet!!!! And with 2 knee replacements squatting is out so I’ve had to improve my aim – enough said!


  4. Must catch Alan’s scribe on this subject – I must say that the inbuilt “bum bather” is a Turkish “querky” I can no longer live without. Visits to the UK usually start with a “shop” to prepare for a two day pork fest but the most important purchase is the wet wipes. British bathrooms in a typical home haven’t got room for a separate bidet, and the “Brits” are not of the mindset to install such conveniences nor encouraged. Nor should I think Andrex welcomes the habit of such a toilet ablution. A 16 bumper pack of toilet tissue can be easily gone through in a week where I stay. It’s a sad thing but unlike most people who look forward to getting home to their own bed after a time away,, for me it my toilets, although in winter the pleasure of the five minute solo act is approached with trepidation and a deep breath. I have often wondered why no one has invented a heated toilet seat ;o$


  5. Oh Jeez! (he said, through the tears of laughter) Just think how much more spectacular it could have been if he (only a ‘he’ would film such a thing) had dumped and flushed.
    Thanks Jack, you help me feel like a nearly normal bloke!


  6. I don’t know if comments of these long ago posts still reach you! But, the height (no that’s not quite the word) of toileting and cleansing technology has to be that of Japan. I remember fondly the lovely gentle, warm cleansing … I even investigated installing one of of those beauties in my home (Australia), but $1000 buys me a lot of loo paper, wipes and vino, at home and abroad.

    I go to Italy often, and I’m never sure that I’m using their bidets properly, even after consulting Signore Google.


    1. I’ve heard about the ultra-modern Japanese toilet facilities and isn’t a bidet for washing out your smalls? 😉 You seem to be a doing a jolly good job deep-reading the blog. Thank you!


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