Apparently we’ve got a knickers nicker in the vicinity according to Funlife on the Turkish Living Forum (to nick is to steal in British English parlance). Someone has been skulking around the Türkuyusu area of old Bodrum Town pilfering from washing lines. Well, to be exact only one confirmed line has been plundered at this stage of the game. Who is the miscreant I wonder? Is it some impoverished itinerant worker who left his meagre belongings in a black bin liner on the bus as it sped off back east? Or perhaps it was some panties pinching perv who gets his kicks from wearing freshly laundered women’s undies. My preferred explanation is that some secret paramour was caught in the act with his knickers down, fled naked from the scene of his undoing and improvised with whatever he could find hanging around. There’s always someone’s washing flapping in the wind around here so he’d be spoilt for choice. Does my bum look big in this? Of course it does, you fool. Everyone’s bum looks big in baggy floral pantaloons. I’m keeping my Calvin Kleins under constant surveillance from now on – the genuine article, not the market-bought fakes that fall apart after a couple of cold rinses. He’s welcome to them.

That’s me in the picture, obviously.